RJ's Story

Before Subud

My "Subud story" begins on my first day at University, 8th October 1962. Going up the lift to my first lecture, clutching a piece of paper with details of which lecture room to go to and wearing my brand new faculty scarf, I noticed that my fellow passenger was clutching an identical paper and wearing the same scarf. Two travelers with the same destination We introduced ourselves and sat next to each other for the lecture, and became friends.

Several months later, a mutual friend asked me "What's this religious thing that Joe goes off to twice a week?". Not only didn't I know, but I was surprised as Joe didn't seem at all the religious type - although I knew he was someone who "saw into things more deeply" than our peers. And why hadn't he told me about it? I raised this and he became uncharacteristically tongue-tied, instead lending me two books, Rodney Collin's "The Theory of Celestial Influence" and PD Ouspensky's "A New Model of The Universe"; I learned that both authors were disciples of a Russian spiritual teacher, Gurdjieff. The books were interesting but Joe explained that what he is in is something different - and quite impossible to explain or write a book about

Later - this must have been in mid 1963, he gave me JG Bennett's "Concerning Subud".

I had been brought up a Catholic and when I started at university had still been a practicing churchgoer. During my first year I went through a crisis of faith, the usual student sort of thing - telling myself there's no scientifically demonstrable proof that God exists - and lots of good logical reasons to suggest He doesn't. I stopped attending church.

Then came Concerning Subud. I was interested to read that Subud offers "proof" - which can be tested experientially by the receiver, of the existence of God and of the soul and of the unseen world beyond the purely physical, material world. This interested me. But parts of the book made it sound like spiritualism which (despite my new found atheism) I felt to be a wrong path.

Nevertheless a meeting with the helpers group was arranged for me to ask questions.

During the meeting I found that one of the helpers, Arthur Clegg, had been a lodger with my landlady, many years before. The dear old lady (81 years old) had often spoken of her ex lodgers, but especially of Arthur "the only one who keeps in touch", "the kindest one I ever had". At last I was meeting this Arthur in the flesh. My first Subud coincidence (This was in Sheffield, a city in the North of England, population around 400,000, with a Subud group of around 40).

That summer I went to France. I had just 20 pounds ($40) and decided on the spur of the moment to cycle to the Pyrenees. I would travel light with whatever could be squashed into a travel bag. For reading material I took Gurdjieff's "All and Everything" on the grounds that it was a small stubby book which would fit in the saddle bag.

As I traveled through France, subsisting on a diet of baguettes and apricots, a "purpose" began to emerge for my trip. I would go to Lourdes, where the Virgin Mary was supposed to have put in some appearances late in the 19th Century and would "ask about Subud" - of course always assuming there was a God up there to listen.

I ran out of money in Sêtes, several days from my destination but managed to get a six week job in a vineyard. Each morning I had to climb into an empty barrel in the middle of the vineyard, while the coupeurs emptied in their full baskets of fresh plucked grapes over my head. All I had to do was tread them down - luckily I had basketball boots with good strong soles. As the day wore on I would gradually rise, on my ever heightening platform of soggy grape-and-spider mulch, but by evening, exhausted from my travails, and having ascended to the full glory of the barrel's height, I would receive my spiritual reward - a magnificent, elevated view of the sunset.

After six weeks, and now with pockets bulging with hard-earned cash, I resumed my pilgrimage and eventually arrived at Lourdes. I was relieved to find that despite the excessive commercialisation in the nearby village, on approaching the grotto itself, a barrier had been erected beyond which no selling was permitted.

I knelt and prayed along the lines of "God, if you exist, guide me - if Subud is right, let me come to it, if it isn't, show me it isn't". Deep within my being I felt a vibration, a deep stirring beyond words or thought, and a feeling that at last I was "coming home".

After the opening

Back at university that Autumn, and with my three months waiting period completed, I contacted the Sheffield group again and asked to be opened. During the opening I heard a crack like thunder and felt a light enter through my forehead while all around there was bedlam. Sounds of weeping, crying, shouting, stamping - with someone repeating over and over the Latin Prayer for the Dead. Afterwards, everyone left the room apart from myself and the helpers - I noticed they were drenched with sweat and looking like they had had an extremely hard time. One came to me and said "You must not exercise by yourself - the helpers will tell you when you can".

That night and for several days afterwards I felt elated, wanting to sing and dance with happiness.

After three or four latihans I felt a "block" against going again. I went to see one of the helpers at his home to relay this and after receiving for a few moments he said something along the lines of "The seed is planted - that's enough for now. Just go and get your finals - don't worry about the spiritual, that will all fall into place later. Now concentrate 100% on your studies".

Having graduated, in June 1965, I began my market research career, with an American research agency in Oxford. A couple of month's later I contacted the local group and began attending latihan again. This time twice weekly. I will relate one experience from one of my first latihans there.

I was lying down with a strong vibration coursing through me and a strange feeling of being partly in and partly out of my body. I felt the presence of angels and felt both hands being firmly grasped. My entire body was being shaken from within, very vigorously - but the force felt totally beneficent. From the angels I received "You are being taught to worship God - this is a hard and difficult path but we will always be with you"; the firm hand clasp continued. Later I distantly heard the helper say "Finish". Still I could feel the hands clasping, but my "mind and heart" were awakening. I, or rather my heart and mind, became afraid. I tried to get up, tried to speak but my body wouldn't respond, was as if paralyzed. Then it finished and the experience was ended.

A week or so later I had another strange experience after getting home from latihan. I was in bed, half way between sleep and waking, when I felt a presence in the room and wanted to turn my head to see it, but my body would not respond. I felt afraid and the experience ended.

A sequence of night time experiences followed, usually but not always after a latihan. Each time progressing longer and deeper before my mind and heart would "flicker to life" and become involved and cause the experience to end. My awareness began to grow of what was happening.

I began to observe that the experiences would always come when not expected and would begin with feelings of great peace and inner stillness arising from within but without my own volition, and with my heartbeat and breathing slowing almost to the point of stopping. I slowly learned that if, while this was happening, I had a feeling of submission to God, inwardly repeating God's name, with a feeling of humility before God, the experience would continue and develop without hindrance. If on the other hand, part of me tried to "make it happen", the experience would end and it would be impossible to "restart". Likewise if my mind and feelings became in any way engaged in what was happening, or if there were even the slightest trace of "spiritual pride", the experience would end.

After several months, with my confidence during the experiences having steadily built up, one night, as one of these experiences progressed, I felt my hands rise up as in worship, several inches above the bed. Part of me (my mind and heart) then became aware that my physical hands were still beneath the bedclothes - a moment of confusion and fear arose, bringing the experience to an end.

As the months progressed, such experiences would continue longer and go deeper and I was no longer troubled by fear. Soon, my whole body would rise in prayer, kneeling, with my hands joined in prayer - while my physical body remained lying on the bed. Sometimes, after such a prayer, I would rise, stand beside the bed and begin to dance in worship and would feel and sometimes see and hear, angels present, all while my physical body remained supine on the bed. After these experiences I would feel enormous peace and gratitude towards God.

Purification

Quite early on I received clear indications that the Subud process produces deep inner purification. I will relate two specific experiences:

Over a period of several years prior to joining Subud, I had had a series of identical erotic dreams. While still at school, a friend had invited me to "come and see something interesting"; he took me to a shop window, down a narrow alleyway (in Bristol) called "Christmas Steps". The window displayed magazines of naked/semi naked ladies (this was years before top-shelf "girlie" magazines were on display in just about every newsagents. Those were innocent days). The dreams would begin with me going down the same alleyway, coming to the shop window, finding the erotic images - the dream finishing as a "wet dream".

Soon after rejoining the latihan, in Oxford, I had the same dream - it began the same way, going down the Christmas Steps, then arriving at the shop window, exactly as had occurred so many times before. But this time the magazines and pictures were missing, replaced by white spaces. This happened on a number of occasions and I understood it as a symbol that the latihan process, which I was incidentally finding difficult and leading me through considerable inner suffering, was indeed one of inner purification, reaching deep into the subconscious.

Another dream experience, which happened perhaps two years into my time at Oxford, began with me in an underground chamber, circular and around 6 feet in diameter. The chamber lay at the base of a tower, but this was not apparent at the beginning of the dream. The walls of the underground chamber were filthy, caked with rubbish and excrement. Then a cascade of pure clear water streamed down from an opening in the roof; it swirled through and around the chamber, sweeping the walls and floor clean. The walls and floor became so shiny and clean that the thought came "they are clean enough to eat food from". I then climbed up a winding staircase, through what I now realised was a tower; past the first storey, to the second. I stepped outside and into a field, verdant with rich greenery. In the field there were two bulls, close to me. They had kindly eyes and I knew they were in some sense "mine", they were a part of my being. A long dagger-like knife was placed in my hand and it was indicated to me "you can take meat from them, but when you do, you must be inwardly quiet".

I cut out a portion of meat from one of the bulls; in the dream this was not at all gory, but it gave me a deep feeling of peace and strength. I asked the question: "What would happen if I was NOT inwardly quiet when taking the meat? The scene changed to a high place on a barren mountain, with a dangerous, almost vertical slope falling away to the left, downwards. I again asked the question "What will happen if I am NOT inwardly quiet when I take the meat? I felt myself falling, hurtling, down the slope - this was terrifying and in some sense "out of control", then I was stopped as if by the arms of angels and the dream ended.

Although at the time of the dream I was without sexual experience, my understanding grew that the dream symbolised the importance of inner quietness during sexual intercourse with one's wife.

Inner Preparation

I spent five years in Oxford and although outwardly making good progress and getting promoted I felt increasingly frustrated and unfulfilled in the job. I was single and recall spending much of my spare time doing social work with Church welfare groups and the Simon Community which looked after homeless alcoholics.

I desperately wanted to travel overseas and sometimes would fantasise about quitting the job and heading for Katmandu or some such. But testing would always indicate "no". The last time was in Autumn 1969 when I was all set to sign up for an overland expedition to the Far East. I was resolved this time not to test, but at the last minute I changed my mind and tested with the Oxford helpers; they received a unanimous "no", something my heart and mind found very difficult to accept. Testing also indicated the low source from which this "wish to escape" was coming from. There was however a hint of "not yet" rather than "never". I remain deeply grateful to the Oxford helpers for their help and guidance during my Oxford years.

My opportunity to go abroad - for eight years, much of it in Indonesia - and make lots of money there - would indeed come about, just a few months later. But first I needed additional inner preparation

I went through a six-week inner crisis period, beginning in November 1969. During this time I had virtually no sleep, night after night and week after week. Each night I would like awake and drift into an experience of being alone in a barren desert, without shelter, without water. Each night, the desert heat would become stronger and more searing and I would feel as if my body were shriveling away into nothingness. Later it was as if my flesh had shriveled away completely, leaving only bones - and later the experience was of even the bones desiccating into nothingness, leaving only a small still light. All this was accompanied by a degree of intense inner suffering as if abandoned by God. Each morning I would get up drained and exhausted and feeling quite unable to go to work (I was now Senior Research Manager) although of course I would have to.

I discovered that if on getting up I prostrated myself, with my forehead on the ground, and remained there for several minutes with an inner feeling of quiet submission, I would get an energy which would (just about) get me through the day.

After more than five weeks or so it seemed as if this experience would never end and that this intense suffering was to be my lot for the rest of my life. Happily this enabled the completion of my crisis - which came when I reached a point within myself of being prepared to submit to even to having to endure this intense suffering for the remainder of my life. When I reached this point, something moved in my feelings; some part of me which had till then held back, which had wanted to complain about my fate, which had refused to completely submit to God, moved away and I felt the crisis lift.

The next day I awoke feeling wonderfully elated and realised something important had shifted within me and I knew I must immediately write to Bapak for a new name. I also vaguely remembered having seen an advertisement for a high-salary overseas market research job a couple of weeks previously. I wrote to Cilandak for the name and hunted for and found the advertisement ("Wanted - young and enthusiastic market researcher, able to stand on his own feet - Malaysia , Singapore, Indonesia") and wrote away to apply for this also.

Shortly afterwards I received another substantial pay rise from the Oxford agency, and soon received both my new name and, after a series of interviews, the job offer. That spring I felt truly reborn as if Life was opening its gates wide for me, which, looking back I guess it was.

Bapak visited the UK that summer (1970) and I will relate a couple of things from his visit. I remember testing about my name, how it would be if I continued using my old one and how it would be if I used "R". Receiving being closed up and "stunted" with the old one and "expanding and growing without end towards worship of God" with the new.

One night after latihan with Bapak I had another of the out-of-body experiences , but this time, perhaps because the heart and mind were completely quiet, the experience seemed to go further and deeper, soaring far beyond this world.

Journey East

I arrived in Malaysia in September 1970 to begin the new job. I was to be Group Technical Director for an international market research agency with some 70 staff in five countries in the Far East and with ambitious expansion plans. A few days later in my hotel I had another out-of-body experience which, looking back, seems to have signified the dawn of a new chapter in my life.

This particular experience went on for a long time and at one point a flicker of a thought came "perhaps I will die, being out of my body so long" coupled with a flicker of "It's not time for me to die". I began to fall towards the earth but was again able to become quiet in my feelings and feel just emptiness and worship and the name of God. I again began to rise, far beyond the earth. When the experience was complete I returned towards my body, but before re-entering my body I felt moved to pray and prostrated myself by the bed. At this time my (spiritual) eyes were closed but I felt moved to open them. I was close to the moon, its light bright and its features clear. I closed my eyes and completed my prayer, then returned to my body. A few moments later I opened my (physical) eyes and saw the first streak of dawn light through the window.

This experience seemed especially important to me and a few years later I related it to Pak Sudarto. He asked if I had recently been aware of a light moving through my body and asked if I could feel where the light is now. I had indeed been going through a series of experiences over several months during which the centre of light had been initially in my forehead, then my throat, then my chest, then in the solar plexus then in the sex organ and then over the months had risen again to the solar plexus. Sudarto asked if I was married and laughed. He said this kind of experience usually only comes for married people; "when it rises again to the breast you will feel expansion of the feelings in the breast. But when it rises again to the throat - that's dangerous - must keep away from women (laughing) - don't get married yet".

In early 1971 I was made General Manager of the company's Malaysia office. This was a very stretching experience, from being a small cog in a very big wheel in the Oxford agency (the World's largest) to now being the boss, responsible for everything, where the proverbial buck stops.

I visited Indonesia six times in 1970 and 1971 to carry out research projects and, in April 1971, for a short holiday during which I decided to get circumcised. Four brother helpers were present and during the operation I felt a circular cut, about nine inches in diameter being made in my chest, followed by a great release from ancestral forces. During the operation also, I felt a strong latihan within me but had to "keep it back" - the surgeon wasn't in Subud After he had finished I remained lying on the operating table while he chatted to the helpers- and I was having unbearable difficulty holding back the latihan. Then when I could "hold it" no longer, the surgeon made an excuse and left the room, staying out for around 10 minutes.

An intense latihan surged through me and my body began to vibrate vigorously several inches above the operating table. The helpers (it seemed) were steadying me, holding my ankles and shoulders. This went on for (perhaps) 10 minutes and then ended and I got up and the surgeon re-entered the room. I didn't speak of what had happened, neither did I ever get round to asking the helpers what they had seen/ experienced.

This story had a sequel. During those days, Bapak would make a point of receiving visitors at his home and when I returned to Cilandak an hour after the operation there was a note from Pak Musa: "Bapak will see you, at 4pm" - a couple of hours away This was not exactly a moment I would have chosen to go and see Bapak - I was feeling groggy from the anaesthetic, which was beginning to wear off so I was experiencing some discomfort -and besides, after circumcision one HAS to wear a sarong. This was the first time I had worn a sarong and, being an Englishman, was finding it difficult to keep it from falling down - let alone look dignified.

I recall Bapak's asking me general things including questions about my business and then, as I was leaving, pointing to my nether regions and saying "itu sudah baik" (it's already better). I certainly didn't take this literally as "it" felt anything but better. Next morning "it" felt extremely uncomfortable and I insisted on going back to the hospital for a check. It had somehow healed, less than 24 hours after the operation - this seemed to be regarded with some amazement by the surgeon - and the helper who accompanied me to the doctors told me this is was sign of someone with a very pure inner self. That certainly wasn't how it felt

I will relate an experience from during my years in Malaysia that showed me how, through the latihan, one can receive indications of future experiences. One night I was doing latihan at home when I realised that the fingers of my right hand were counting out 1, 2, ...up to 6. This was so definite and strange, it disturbed my latihan and I stopped, became quiet and followed the latihan again. The same thing happened, my fingers deliberately and carefully counted out 1, 2, ...6. After latihan I felt about this and received an experience of death; in my understanding it seemed I must prepare for this to happen in six days time.

This was accompanied by a feeling of joy. I began to inwardly prepare for death; for the next few days I lived the adage about "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil"; I felt a deep awareness, as if I was being taught in my inner how one should prepare for death.

That Friday evening, (Night 5 of the 6) I was at the home of one of our Malaysian brothers, Hanafi Martin, when the phone rang. It was Mas Usman, calling from Singapore. He said Bapak was in Singapore for dental treatment and, if invited, he would visit our group (Kuala Lumpur) the next day.

The next day, all the group, except me, went to the airport to meet Bapak's party. Someone had to stay at the hotel, for the mundane task of ensuring that the room and arrangements were ready for our VIP guests When Bapak entered the hotel, I was standing by the lift and ushered Bapak and Usman in, so there were just the three of us going up in the lift. Bapak joked, Usman translating, "Bapak says you're a very big man". I knew just enough Indonesian to be able to reply "But spiritually I'm down there, ground floor", which was true.

That evening we had latihan with Bapak in a hotel - I think it was the Hilton, maybe the Holiday Inn. During the latihan I had the same experience of leaving my body, as in death, as I had experienced six nights earlier. As the experience ended I opened my eyes and Bapak was standing facing me and very close and, it seemed to me, smiling.

Lest I should get spiritually proud, I had another experience a few days later that reminded me of how undeveloped I am spiritually and how easily influenced by the lower forces.

This was at the end of the visit and Bapak and party were at the airport, accompanied by several members of the Malaysia Subud group, to see them off. Then there was an announcement that Bapak's flight had been delayed - if I remember correctly the delay was for three hours. Anyway it was agreed (between the younger people) that there was time for the younger members of the party (including three of Bapak's grandchildren Tuti, Muti, Adji) and some of us young members of the group to pop back into town - only 20 minutes drive away, and see the National Gardens - a scenic delight, including lakes and fountains and marvelous flower displays. We set off, with me driving Adji and with Tuti and Muti in another car. We arrived at our destination with plenty of time; but as we stopped, Tuti signaled to Adji, the windows went down and they conversed in Indonesian. Adji broke the news "we must go back to the airport right away".

My heart and mind "nafsu" were immediately on the job, arguing the point "but we have plenty of time ...". Adji calmly replied - look R., Tuti is very close to Bapak and if she has received we must go, we must go. Must hurry". We arrived back at the airport car park and everyone RAN - my heart and mind were still protesting "what's the hurry, there's plenty of time". As we arrived we saw Bapak and party walking out to the plane - the timing had changed again and the flight had been brought back forward. If we had arrived even a few minutes later, the flight would have been closed.

Living in Indonesia

In early 1973, the company was bought by the leading motivational research company in Asian Pacific region, and I seized an opportunity to be moved full-time to Indonesia to set up a full scale office.

The next year (1973/74) was a period of hard work and thriving business and, in Spring 1974, the company assigned me a second expatriate from Australia (David, who ten years later joined Subud himself). We had a luxurious company house in town but each evening I repaired to my single-room "oasis of quiet" at Cilandak.

It seems that at each stage in our lives, each of us is given at least one special "cross" (sometimes more than one but always at least one) which provides us with the particular "inner mountain" we need to struggle up at that time - and to remind us to keep an attitude of humility before God. In my Oxford days, my special cross had been my unsatisfying job. Here in the early and mid '70's I was in a great job, lots of challenges and travels and adventures and lots of learning. My special cross in that period was my being single.

I was a 33 year old "Subud virgin", surrounded at Cilandak by several delightful ladies, all of us destined to have our intensively platonic relationships over a period of many years. In the fullness of time I was able to look back on this process as something necessary and beneficial, but at the time, one's patience, sincerity and submission (and one's resistance to self pity) were sometimes severely tested.

Back to England

In 1975, David and I bought the equity for Spectrum Indonesia (now the most profitable company in the group) from the parent company, with ourselves as Joint Managing Directors. In 1977 I sold up and headed back to the UK where I read for a Masters degree in Marketing at Lancaster University. I then got a job in London with a government advertising/ research institute where I stayed, as Director of Research, for seven years.

I went through an especially tough period during the late 1970's and early '80's, although as with all these things, this was accompanied by several enormous blessings for which I am forever grateful.

My first two children were born and I had several promotions, becoming one of the youngest Chief Information Officers in the history of the UK government service, more than trebling my salary in the seven years and having three advertising research papers published at international conferences and winning major cash prizes for two of them. I also had the opportunity to meet, and present research findings to, several senior ministers in the British Government and was interviewed for features in the Times and other UK newspapers.

More sunshine

By 1986 I had been a "London commuter" for seven years and wanted a change. I saw an advertisement for a job in Saudi Arabia and applied, moving there in mid 1986 with my wonderful wife , and three (now five) children.

Saudi Arabia was a very isolated spot on the Subud map. When we arrived, the Jeddah group comprised two other people, both very dedicated to the latihan, but long isolated. In addition, the Mitchells were living in Taif, two hours drive away, and occasionally were able to join us for latihan, but after a year they left Saudi Arabia and one of the two other members moved to Riyadh, 800 miles away. And over the past 10 years I recall only two Subud brothers and one sister visiting Jeddah from overseas.

Despite there being only a small Subud group, we enjoy life here and are healthy and happy and prospering, although I sometimes wonder how life might have turned out if, on that fateful day in 1962, I had taken the stairs instead of the lift

May 1995

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