The Antidote stories

Writing About Myself

Stephen Thomson (UK)

I was there when Subud was brought to England. I was there when on 23 May 1957 Bapak arrived, and so, being in the right place at the right time, I was opened. I received my contact with the Power of God. I was enabled to take the first step into the spiritual world while still living.

People to whom this blessing has been given do not normally talk much about it or of what Subud has done for them. I think this is right. To verbalise a gift from God is perhaps to reduce it to the level of our own minds. Yet it is very natural for others to ask: what is the dividend? Where's the pay-off? I find progress in the spiritual life is clearly recognisable by actual results. There is nothing vague nor airy-fairy about it. Things either happen to you or they don't. You either receive from Almighty God or you don't. It's no good pretending, no good imagining, no good indulging in wishful thinking. The reality of spiritual experience is unmistakable .

I believe that from the moment of the opening we experience the miraculous; something happens to us, which is beyond the limits of daily human experience. Every time we do latihan and move not in the ordinary way but by being made to move or shout or sing or cry by the Power of God - that, to me, is a miracle. The latihan is an utterly natural phenomenon yet every time we submit a question to God in the 'testing' and receive a true answer, that is another miracle.

These are not small things - even though after more than 30 years in Subud I treat them as commonplace. And perhaps it is as well that I do, because otherwise I might think I was very special. I am not special; I have simply been unbelievably blessed.

Naturally, there is the inevitable Department of Signs and Wonders in Subud. I know very little of these things, but many other Subud members have spoken privately of truly wonderful experiences which transcend all logic, all known natural laws, and all conceivable expectation or likelihood. Such experiences serve to remind us who are still in the shallows that the grace that can be given to one person truly and completely surrendered to God is not dependent on the length of time he or she has been opened in Subud. But, being by nature and upbringing a rather limited, 'stuck' sort of person, I can recount nothing like this. Perhaps I can give you a hint of it, though, with two little stories.

I was walking one morning down London's noisy, crowded Regent Street, minding my own business, probably thinking such sublime thoughts as what I was going to have for lunch or where I could buy a pair of socks, when the noise of all the traffic and the clip-clopping of those hundreds of shoes on the pavement was suddenly silenced. All I could hear was the distant sound of one single set of footsteps on the other side of the wide street. I crossed over, for that seemed to be what I was being guided to do, and I heard those footsteps approaching me. I came face to face then with someone I hadn't seen for 20 years. He was in a bit of trouble, and I could help, that was all. It gave me my first staggering realisation that through the latihan I could be guided through life in very ordinary, humdrum ways - as well as perhaps later in greater ways.

Then one day my left hand came to life. By that I mean that my hand suddenly acquired an independent life of its own. It started to be able, for instance, of its own accord to open a book, any book, however thick, at precisely the page I needed. I could go to a card index and it would pick out the required card without my looking. Whenever it did that, (which was never if I thought about it) I started laughing. People thought I was somewhat peculiar. But in fact I was laughing - for joy - that through the latihan one small part of me had become aware of the true life that exists within our ordinary life, and could act in obedience to the will of God for it.

Over the years in Subud I have learnt the essential attributes of being patient, to accept that the process of my purification will, in my case, take probably a very long time. Is there ever instant salvation? We seem never to be given more than our innate capacity to take. Our spiritual Romes are not built in a day or even 1,000 days (as Bapak's was). Nor does a tree fruit before it has grown large enough to bear the fruit. Yet I have found along the way I have become gradually aware that I am being guided, sometimes without realising it till afterwards; it happens in all sorts of amazing ways, large or small, through a power, a little voice, a nudge, a something inside that has its origin beyond this earth.

And the comforting thing is that on this long journey I have been given little presents from time to time to keep me going. I, who could never sing a note in tune or indeed at all, can now sing without people moving away. I can go to sleep at times seeing colours around me, such vivid arrays of light and colour that I seem to be in another world. Or I can go to a Subud meeting feeling tired and irritable and emerge totally happy and full of beans. I even remember one lazy siesta afternoon in Wisma Subud my long-dead father coming to me and telling me he was now at peace.

And so I could go on. I could mention the dawn of peace of mind, the beginning of the loss of my fear of death. I could mention even marriage (others will) and the transformation which the latihan can bring about in the relationship between a man and a woman. Mary and I are so close these days it's ridiculous. We hardly ever need to open our mouths. We too often say what the other was just thinking. This may sound dull: believe me, it isn't. Human love has many mansions.

In the end, I still think that the best way to describe what Subud has done for me is to recall, if I dare, what I was like before; to remember my privileged arrogance, my unkindness to others, my total atheist estrangement from God, my conceit, my fears and dreads, my profound ignorance of the purpose of my life, and my lack of moral fibre.

I won't be foolish enough to pretend it has all gone. But I know with a certainty which nothing in this world can destroy that, with care and watchfulness of my own behaviour, I can live the rest of my life within the protection of Almighty God. Can anyone conceivably ask for more?

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