The Antidote stories

This Life and After

Deborah Bentin (UK)

The Subud contact is, for me, an act of Grace; a gift that anyone may receive who is willing to surrender themselves and their lives to the will of God. When I received this Grace over 28 years ago, almost immediately I became aware of a quite new inner part of myself, a part that was quite separate from my body, mind and feelings. This new, or newly-awakened, part of myself was able to observe with delighted astonishment the movements that arose in my body, the feelings that stirred my heart and even the thoughts that momentarily entered my mind.

In my ignorance, I imagined that from there on I need never again be troubled; I had only to allow the latihan to begin in me and all would fall into serene order. It was like the first day at art school when I squeezed out the colours onto my palette and began my first oil painting: only the beginning; only the first taste, with many a hard lesson to learn and many a dark time to go through.

At the time of my opening in Subud I was already over 40, so I had a lot of pre-conditioning and many wrong habits and ideas to be corrected. For instance I was inclined to talk about the ego and to regard the ego as an enemy of all that was spiritual - something to be put down at any cost, if one were to have a chance of entering the kingdom of heaven.

Gradually I came to realise that, although the soul alone can enter and remain in heaven, while we live on earth the body, heart and mind are useful servants who should be treated well. The teachings of all the great religions point to this end - that the forces of body, heart and mind should be our servants and not our masters,

Hearing this, you might assume that after 28 years of Subud practice I would never ill-use my body, never give way to negative feelings and never be prey to uncontrollable thoughts. Well, alas no. But I can claim that I am now far more aware of these activities and am less a victim of them. I am perhaps like one of those wise employers who tolerate their servants' waywardness to some degree, since they are the best available.

When I first received this gift I naturally wanted to share it with those friends who I thought would welcome it. Several of them dismissed it as being 'too easy', others thought there must be a catch somewhere. I was reminded of the two well-to-do young men who took out 100 new one pound notes (in the days when a pound was worth something) and tried the experiment of giving them away in Piccadilly Circus. One or two children came up and asked for one; one or two people took one with a smile, as if to say: 'Of course, I'm not fooled.' But the majority hurried by dismissing the offer.

For most people it is as easy to receive the Subud contact as to conceive a child. The difficult part comes later. So why begin? Why have children? The instinct to ensure the continuation and evolution of the human race seems to be fundamental in mankind. So too, I believe, is the need (at least in some) to reach upwards and outwards to that which is higher. To level to worship, to express and to serve the highest when we see it, is the fount of all true art and religion.

Since Subud is not a religion, it brings about a natural ecumenicism in which all are united, while continuing to practice their own religion. A great delight for me in Subud has been to worship in the latihan in company with Christians of many denominations, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and those having no formal religion.

At the same time, a number of people have found through Subud a deeper understanding and experience of their own religion and in many cases have returned to its practice. Others, without a specific religion, have found one in which they have felt at home, while still others have been content just to follow the latihan. The goal is the same for all, but the ways to that goal are many and for each of us the steps are individual ones.

Christian mystics distinguish three stages on the spiritual way: purgation (or purification), illumination and, finally, union. My experience has been that in Subud we receive as much illumination as we can cope with, followed closely by purification. It is the illumination that shows us our faults: these two alternate continually. We may even be granted a taste of union, but for most of us this state doesn't last - we are ordinary people, not saints, and I suspect it often didn't last for them.

As a Quaker, I worked very actively for peace for many years and I understand those who do so now. But I came to realise that, for me, the work must begin in myself; that eventually peace would come only when enough people were peaceful within themselves. Until that happens I believe that the world situation will remain desperate, not only in degree but in kind, and that without an infusion of grace the outlook is bleak indeed.

Subud works in the world through its members, both in the spiritual and the practical realms. Fortunately there are a lot of young people now in Subud, many of them following in their parents' footsteps, others drawn by their quest for a deeper reality than that of the everyday world. They have less to unlearn that we older people; they are simpler, more direct in their approach and in their receiving. Yet age is, on the whole, unimportant: in the spiritual life there is no generation gap.

I am now in my 70^th year and can look back on a long and interesting, though far from easy, life. I like to revisit my past, but never to dwell on it. The present is what matters. I'm aware that I was blessed with a number of talents that I did not develop to their fullest extent - flitted too much from flower to flower - so I hope that in this preparatory world, I may use whatever time remains for me well and to the full.

This is important, not just for myself, but because however small a part we have to play in the eternal drama, it is vital that we play it correctly and to the best of our ability - on earth as in heaven.

I believe I've had many tastes of that state we call heaven, in the latihan. It is quite beyond words to describe and is so infinitely more beautiful than anything earth has to offer that I can only look forward to it, almost long for it. This of course doesn't absolve me from working out to the full what I've been given to do here, however ordinary or insignificant it may appear to be.

As our bodies, together with our feelings and minds, form the vehicle for our life on earth, and only serve that life best when directed from a higher source, so it is certain that at death these vehicles must be discarded. They are of the earth and return to the earth. What goes on to the life after life is the soul, which will, quite naturally, be drawn to the place that it is fitted for.

I take to heart the advice Jesus gave his disciples: that when invited to a feast they should take a place at the bottom of the table, since it is much better to be asked to sit higher up than risk being requested to move further down. I don't know personally where my place is laid; I am only grateful to have been invited to the feast at all.

Meanwhile I (the 'I' that came alive those 28 years ago) look forward to the life after life with the pleasant, tingling anticipation of someone about to start a new adventure.

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