The Antidote stories

Experiences as an Addict

Machmud FiedorowicI (UK)

I was addicted to narcotics, mainly heroin, for seven years. In England, the addict could register and be given a small dose of narcotics each day - enough to keep you out of trouble such as stealing or prostitution. For six years I didn't realise I was an addict, until I began to have fits. A friend told me; he said it had been happening for about six months, although I hadn't noticed. I asked a doctor and he said I was dying. The more I told him how worried I was, the more drugs he gave me. His strategy succeeded and, at last, I went into hospital. I had been in prisons and mental hospitals previously but this time it was different. I was dying.

In hospital, I was asked not to take drugs, left alone in a room, asked not to eat, not to sleep - although the drugs I needed were available. After three days the doctor came to see me. I couldn't move at all. I couldn't speak. He helped me to lie on another bed and asked me to relax and express how I felt. At first, I could not feel a thing. My therapist encouraged me to relax more; I slowly began to cry. Then I suddenly found myself screaming, and then laughing, and then crying again. This lasted for an hour or two and after it was over I got insights into Christianity, into the Old Testament, Adam and Eve, and the meaning of surrender and submission. I later realised that this 'process' was similar to the latihan.

There were two people who were close to me during this hospitalisation, one was an alcoholic who is now a Methodist minister, and the other was a therapist who later became a drug addict himself and later a minister in the Evangelical Church. The three of us ended up religious. But for now, these experiences in the hospital happened daily for about six weeks. I left the hospital feeling alive - I could feel, I had experienced no withdrawal symptoms.

I was under the misapprehension that I was normal, now. But then I realised I was not like everybody else; I experienced several times that I was moving spontaneously and involuntarily, especially in the evenings. I would wake up at night and move around the room, sometimes singing, sometimes crying, sometimes dancing - and often just sitting, being aware that I was in a state of prayer. This went on for about six months.

All this time I was living with my brother who is now in Subud. He could accept this apparent madness, having seen me in various states as an addict. In some way he must have protected me. I was very vulnerable and would speak to anyone who would listen about my inner experiences. In this way I came into contact with a woman who was in Subud - and she suggested that I should be opened. After I was opened the crisis which I was experiencing decreased, but it had been that painful experience that brought me into Subud.

Recently, I went through a difficult period in my personal life, and felt myself with absolutely nothing. Everything I had worked for seemed to have disappeared or been taken away. I tested with some helpers and I received that I should work on a Subud farm building in Edinburgh, Scotland. I began going to this building at weekends. At first, many people worked with me there, but gradually fewer and fewer people came to work, until one weekend I found myself working alone. It was a very cold day, it was raining, I was smashing concrete with a sledge hammer, my hands were cut, bleeding and swollen and I felt utterly depressed.

At this point I decided to leave Subud. I felt fed up with Subud, with the latihan, with Bapak, with Islam, the lot. I went into the latihan hall and lay down to sleep, determined to go home and forget the whole thing afterward. I woke up to a knock on the door. I got up, answered the door, and there was no one there. I began to tingle inside and I searched around the farm, finding no one. I was frightened.

I sat for a while staring at the open door. I saw a vibration, a shimmering, like hot air in the doorway, but I thought I had been staring too hard. The heat wave, if that is what it was, came towards me and then it seemed to pass straight through me. Then I heard a voice. The voice was of someone who had been with me all of my life, but who I had in the last few years almost forgotten. It was very calm, very sensible, and very ordinary.

The voice said, 'Machmud, stand up', so I stood up. 'Now put your hands in the air, be honest, how does it feel?' I said aloud, 'If I am honest, it just feels like I have my hands in the air.' The voice said, 'Now move your finger. How does that feel?' and I replied, 'It just feels like I am moving my finger.' The voice continued, 'Next finger, how does it feel? Next finger,' and so on, right through my whole system, my body.

Then I stopped, and the voice said, 'This is the latihan kejiwaan which is completely normal; you are completely responsible for every movement you make in your life. The latihan has been with you 100 percent from the time you were opened. Stop waiting to be moved, move in any direction you choose, the latihan will be there, guiding you.'

Then the voice said, 'Machmud, experience Susila.' Here I felt nothing special - simply being normal, and healthy. 'Now experience Budhi.' Here I felt a slight difference. I became aware of something greater, something outside of myself. Then the voice said, 'Experience Dharma.' Here I felt a real difference; the only word I have to describe that is 'incredible', I began to move around the room, giving everything I had, until there was nothing left. I wanted to stop but the voice said, 'Keep going, find people, ask them what they need, and help them find what they need.' Then, for the first time, I felt who Machmud was.

The voice continued, 'This is Susila, Budhi, Dharma: Subud. In Christianity is known as Faith. Hope and Charity. Susila is Jesus, a man of Perfect faith, the Son. Budhi is the Power of God the Father who fills the Universe, before whom you can only hope, and the Holy Spirit is the power of love, charity.'

'Machmud, how many Gods are there?' 'One,' I said. 'No, Machmud, be honest, how many Gods are there?' I said 'One' - and became afraid. 'Machmud, don't be afraid, be honest: how many Gods are there?' I answered, 'None' - and then felt, within me, Allah, Allah, this is God, God IS.

The experience ended there. It had lasted three hours. A little later many of the group came to work on the property, and I took a rest. I was rather shaken.

At home that night I had a dream about Bapak and his grandson Mas Adji. Bapak was seated in the corner of a room, with a look of concentration on his face. There was a powerful light shining onto Bapak and the room was filled with a golden rain which enveloped Mas Adji and myself. Mas Adji and I were looking at each other until he said. 'Machmud, talk fast.' I began to talk, and he began to talk, and we both talked until it became just jibberish. Then Adji said, 'No more talk - now we work.' We didn't know what we were doing. We just worked until the sweat poured off us.

Then Mas Adji said 'Now, Machmud, no more work; think.' Our minds became one mind, we thought the same thoughts at the same time. and we made the right movements for that thought, together. I entered a state of consciousness which I can't recall now. I looked at Bapak and saw the light was shining straight into him still, but the 'rain' of gold had disappeared. Bapak was smiling and relaxed. I looked at Adji and saw the light was shining directly into him and I looked above myself and saw a light shining into me. As I looked back at Bapak, I felt: Now, at last, I understand.

That morning I got up and began to say my prayers, being a Muslim. It wouldn't 'work' in that I couldn't think or use my mind in any way. I experienced in myself the sound of counting very slowly. I couldn't stop counting! I thought I would die counting. It went on and on - first I thought it would stop at 100, then 250, then 500, 750; by then I gave up and just went along with it. It stopped finally at 1001, suddenly. I felt, after this, that I could not neglect anything in my life - every little thing is really important; you can't reach the end until you have covered every detail. I then received the image of a bridge; I received I would travel the world, that I would have something to do with Adji, and something to do with young children or young people.

I went back to college, after this. The intense period of experiences seemed to have ended. I knew it wasn't imaginary, but I didn't see how it could possibly have been real. There was no possibility of these things happening to me. Yet they had. And the things I had received about the bridge, and the future - they could not possibly come true!

A few weeks later, I saw an advertisement in the National Subud Newsletter for an international coordinator for youth work. I remembered my receiving about young people, tested for this, and it was right. I became the Subud Youth Coordinator and as such I had to travel to Europe. On my return it was suggested that I go to Indonesia, and then around the world. Suggestions were one thing, but again there seemed no possibility of my being able to do this. Again, I tested, remembering my receiving - and it felt that it was right I should do it. But it still seemed impossible.

My circumstances then altered in a way that I could not have foreseen and I did indeed travel, round the world, talking with other young people in Subud in Indonesia, Australia, the United States and so on. There was the bridge! And after an interview with Bapak it appeared that Mas Adji's going to be the president of the International Subud Youth Association, so here was the fourth part of my receiving coming into being, and we would work together.

So that is where I am. I don't know what will come next. The work we do is our latihan, and that is all that is important to me.

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