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Extracts from Interviews:-
16. Michelle and Lynelle talk in Yorkshire, England
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I remember feeling absolutely horrified and so nervous because I didn't know what on earth was going to happen! Yet all that happened that first Latihan was that I had fluttering eyelids. My eyelids would not keep still all during the Latihan! For weeks afterwards, I felt embarrassed when I went into the Latihan. I wanted to make a noise but I didn't dare because I felt so embarrassed.
After about six weeks, I reached a point in the Latihan where
I felt 'if I don't open my mouth, I'm going to burst!' I had
tried to hold everything in, but at that point I had to let go.
So I made a noise for the very first time - I forget what sort
of sound it was. But I recall feeling enormous relief that I
had begun to feel brave enough, courageous enough, to let out
what really was inside. I think I had just been so horrified
of what people would think. It was quite a revelation to me to
be able to make noises and then feel 'it's okay now...I don't
have to worry any more.'
That was a turning point for you?
Yes. In the beginning of receiving the Latihan I think many people feel embarrassed and inhibited. Perhaps some people receive so strongly right away that all their shyness or inhibition is pushed out of the way, but that wasn't the way it was for me.
I was very aware of where I was and what I wanted to do, but felt that I couldn't. Meanwhile around me, people were doing their own thing, receiving their own Latihan and weren't really paying any attention to me; but I thought they were. It is one's feelings of standing out and being noticed and feeling unsure and insecure that get in the way.
Until that time came when I just couldn't keep it in any longer. I thought I was going to burst! So that experience was good and afterwards expressing what I received in Latihan was much easier. The Latihan feeling was obviously there within me from the beginning, but I hadn't even relaxed enough or submitted enough to let it out. On that occasion 'it' was stronger than 'I'.
I've since been at many people's openings and people receive
in lots of different ways - movements, visions, words - it's all
individual. Many are fairly quiet to start with but sometimes
someone goes off like a rocket - almost as suddenly as if a switch
had been turned on. It's so strong within them that it's almost
like they are launched.
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We were reading the local newspaper and saw an advertisement for Project 2000 which is what the new training was called. They had a course starting in April with some spaces left for mental health nurses and paediatric nurses. Paediatrics was what I wanted to do! I rang the School of Nursing and after going through various procedures, including an interview, I was told I could start.
On my first day at the nursing college I just stood there wondering what I was doing? It had all happened so fast. But it all fell into place as if it was meant to and that's what I mean about how my life is. It's as if things are obvious. If it's meant to be, it goes!
The next three years were amazing. Conrad held the fort at home. It was hard work! I hadn't written essays for 20 years or done research. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Conrad helped me out. He used to read and correct my essays and give me his ideas. We switched roles. He did more of the cooking and shopping, and that enabled it all to happen. Conrad felt perturbed sometimes about parts of it, I think, although he said he thought it was great and was what we should do. So we just plodded on and it was great!
After three years I graduated formally with mortarboard and gown etc.! I was 49 when I finished but I wasn't the oldest person in my class. I qualified in April 1993 and my 50th birthday was in October.
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further extract
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Has Subud helped your marriage? Does it help that you're
both doing Latihan?
I'm sure it has because our marriage is based on everything we believe and everything we feel. God is the beginning and the end of everything. I feel that God is there and I am guided in everything I think and feel and do. I don't think about it; I just do it.
Conrad and I are quite different, as you may have observed when you spoke to him. He's very different from me in the way he speaks about Subud. People are different and how and why they get on is often because of their differences. We have a nice time and lot of fun together!
Yet marriage isn't easy, as anybody you talk to will tell you.
There are times when it's quite hard but for the most part it's
wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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