15. Conrad talks to Lynelle at his home in Yorkshire England

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There was no doubt that something had happened in a completely unexpected way. Contrary to my wishes, I had experienced things in that opening process. I felt as though I had been through a very intense experience. I remember describing it at the time. The only thing I'd ever experienced similar to it was when I had come inside after being extremely cold and had a 'tingly' feeling as I warmed up. This 'tingly' feeling stayed with me for hours and hours after the opening Latihan. I knew that something dramatic had happened to me. If I hadn't experienced anything, I might not have gone back.

The outer experience on my arrival of going into a darkened room with those old men who then made funny noises. during their exercise, might have scared me away forever. The fact that I felt something made me realise, there was something real in it and I wanted to go back and see what else there was. So that's what I did.

Every time I went I experienced something and I've never ever been bored since in the following thirty years of Latihan. I've been very lucky. I had no doubt after my opening that I'd been put in touch with something! I didn't know if it was the Power of God. I just knew that it was a powerful contact.

I was 18. There weren't many young people in Subud then. Most of the people who had joined had come in from the Gurdjieff movement and tended to be middle-aged intellectuals who were into spiritual matters from an intellectual viewpoint.

In a sense I came to feel that I was in a better position than most of these other people because I was unencumbered with preconceptions or expectations or aspirations. I was just in it for the experience and absorbed it without analysis.

Yet I was careful and discerning. I was scared of this power because it was such a strong force. When I did the Latihan I felt as if I had a handle on the door. I could open the door and let this powerful experience in, but I could close the door if it became too much to cope with - or so I thought!

After a few years I discovered that having a handle on the door didn't actually make any difference (Laughter). What I found later on was that I couldn't turn the power off when I thought I had the door shut!

So God didn't overwhelm you immediately?

No (Laughter). There was a little bit of time to get rid of some of my fears. One of the great things about those early days was that Bapak was often in England. Every few years he was around.

England was the first country outside of Indonesia that Subud came to and there were a lot of Subud members in Britain So whenever Bapak was in the UK, I used to go and listen to his talks.

The first experience I remember with Bapak was doing Latihan when Bapak was present. Again I was absolutely terrified. Mainly because the one thing about Subud that really frightened me was the thought that I might lose control.

It was very strange because that is the one thing in Subud that one is relinquishing - the direction of one's life to the Power of God. I was terrified of losing control. And I was not even sure whether I was surrendering the direction of my life actually to the Power of God. I knew I could feel a power but I didn't know what it was.

When Bapak came to these special Latihan which I attended, hundreds of people would be there receiving the Latihan. He would be in front or sometimes he would just walk around and stand next to different people.

We did our Latihan with our eyes shut, so one was not aware whether Bapak had stood next to one or not (Laughter). I had some wild thoughts that if he stood next to me, I might change to dust or something would be set off in me that was uncontrollable. I was afraid that he might trigger off experiences that I didn't want to have. Over the years that concern evaporated.

It wasn't until 1971 when I went to the World Subud Congress in Cilandak, Indonesia, that Bapak became more of a father figure and I suppose he became the most important male figure in my life. I felt close to him then and I still do.

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further extracts

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Other times it is different. At the World Congress in Anugraha, Bapak gave a talk about the purpose of the Latihan and how it frees people up to find out what they should be doing in life. Everybody has a talent which is given by God and is not something that you have to learn. He asked me to stand up to test something that would illustrate what he was saying.

So I took my shoes off and stood in front of everybody. Bapak said, "Just relax now. Do your Latihan. How did Pelé play football?" Suddenly I saw the ball coming over from my right, and my legs went for the ball. I felt a bit like a puppet. My legs got the ball and brought it down. I saw these two fellows coming towards me, obviously defenders. My legs got the ball and went around these two chaps who were just bewildered. They didn't know which way to go. And I didn't know which way my legs were going to take me. We went round these two fellows. The next thing I knew, I belt the ball and it goes whistling into the top right-hand corner of the goal. I was stunned at this and other players started jumping on me.

I experienced all of this in the test! It was a combination of vision and feeling and REAL! It was as real as it could be. I was him! I was really Pelé for that moment - those 30 or so seconds. Meanwhile 2,000 people in the audience were all laughing as they watched me go around! They saw me go through the motions of playing football in front of them, but they couldn't know what I was really experiencing! That's what I mean about the intensity of feeling in testing. For some reason, I got the full Technicolour version accompanied by the inner feelings of what Pelé felt like? I had a real understanding of the man.

So when I came away and sat down, I felt 'wow'! Bapak said, "You understand. You understand now." And I did understand what he had been talking about! The talent of the man was in his legs. It was in his legs! He didn't do anything. It was already there. It was a gift from God. Because I had been Pelé for a few moments, I knew that Pelé knew and understood that this gift was something that he himself didn't know where it came from.

If you listen to an interview with Pelé, he always thanks God for the gift! He's very humble about his football. Even though he's the greatest footballer in the world, he says, "I don't know where it came from. I didn't learn how to do it. It was already there."

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* GLOSSARY

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