2. Latifah and Patricia in San Francisco

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A week before Bapak came, Rashada, Hamid's wife, showed me some dresses that Rosina had made for her to wear for Bapak's visit.

She said, "What are you going to wear?"

I said, "I'm not going. I'm not in Subud."

She replied, "But you can be opened right away."

I said, "No. You have to wait three months and you have to go every night, and he's coming next week. There's no way I can do this."

She said, "You can be opened right away. Your old man is in Subud."

I said, "He is?"

She said, "Oh yes. It's much better for the marriage. You should both be in Subud."

"Okay" I replied. I was sure she was wrong about this but I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

When I told Alan I was going to go, he said, "That's nice." It was all he said. I asked why he didn't tell me he was in Subud? He told me he thought it was something I should do because I wanted to do it, not because he was doing it.

Rashada came in a car to pick me up on the appointed night. I'd never been to an applicants' meeting or read a book on Subud. All that I knew was misinformation that I had concocted! We drove off, five ladies in the car. Ibu hadn't been well. The ladies didn't know if she would be at the house or at the hall. First, we tried the house. Wrong! It was the hall!

Rashada said, "I was getting a nice 'quiet; going. Now I'll have to start all over."

I was trying to pick up my clues from other people. I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing, they wouldn't open me, and Rashada would say, "Well they would have opened you if you hadn't opened your trap!" (laughter)

So. I wouldn't say anything. If someone asked me anything, I'd nod or shake my head to indicate yes or no but I wouldn't say anything because I didn't want Rashada to be disappointed that I had spoiled my 'quiet'!

I never really expected to be opened. I was sure that Rashada had got it wrong somehow and one did really have to wait three months as an applicant. But I went in with a mob of ladies when it was our turn. I expected to be told to leave.

When we got to the door, Rashada was pushing me along, even though she only comes up to my elbow. Rosina immediately saw me and recognised me as someone 'not in Subud'.

Rashada said, "It's all right. She's going to be opened! Her old man's in Subud. She's going to be opened" Rosina asked us to wait. I thought that would be the end of it, but Rosina came back beaming and said, "It's all right. Ibu feels very strong."

I panicked. I suddenly wondered what they were going to do. Were they going to crack my bones? What did it mean? "Ibu feels very strong!"

Then we went into a room and people started taking off their shoes and socks. I thought, 'Oh shit! What else are they going to take off? (laughter) What have I got myself into? Why do I always get into these weird, bizarre things? Why can't I just do normal things?'

Then I thought, 'Pretty soon this Ibu person is going to come and she's going to know I don't belong here. I'm an idiot. She'll get me out of here.'

Then down the stairs came Ibu(*), with these Indonesian needle things sticking out of her hair. They glittered in the light. It was like she glinted of steel. Her eyes flashed, and she had glasses. Light caught her glasses and made sparks. I thought it was the dragon lady (laughter). In my imaginings, I just knew that she knew everything about me. She knew I was no good. I expected her to say, "YOU! OUT!!!" in front of everybody and embarrass me to tears. Then I would crawl out on the floor. That's what I expected.

Another Indonesian, Aminah, came downstairs with Ibu and a younger and pretty Indonesian woman who walked behind. Ibu sat in a chair, because her foot was hurting. There were five of us being opened.

Aminah stood us all up and placed us like little children being put in line to have their photo taken. "You be here and you be here and you be here" she indicated, putting her hands on our shoulders.

Then Rosina said, "Shall I get the 'thing' to read?"

Aminah said,"No, it's not necessary." I don't remember anybody saying anything about God. They just said to close the eyes and not pay attention to other people and follow whatever arose within one and "Begin!"

It seemed the roof would shoot off the house with all the noise. Someone bumped into me and said, "Excuse me".

I stood there and wondered, 'What have I got myself into?' Then this other woman, not Aminah, the other one came down the line of us and began to sing this very high, high melody, like a violin into each ear of each lady who was being opened. I could feel her. I smelled her perfume and felt her breath as she sang in my ear.

I thought 'I don't know what this is but whatever it is, it's okay.' It was a blissful feeling.

Was that a real person? Was that Rochanawati?

It was not a real person. But I only found that out seven years later. I thought that was the opening song and that's how you got opened.

Strangely, I wanted to make a sound, one that would have just come out of me spontaneously from within, but I was afraid it was from my own will, so I stood there holding it in the whole time.

I thought that I'd better not do anything unless they tell me, so I kept my eyes closed. They said, "Finish." Then we had to march out because there was another big line of people waiting. It seemed like hundreds were waiting. It was very crowded and there was no room to move in the Latihan. We were really packed.

After that, in the car, they all said it was so wonderful that Ibu opened me! I started to say that I didn't know if I was open, as I didn't know what to expect or anything about it. But before I could complete the sentence, I looked up at the street light and it dimmed. The others didn't see it. It happened several times.

For the next three days every time I looked at a light bulb, it dimmed. It wouldn't go completely out but would dim and then get brighter again. I think that this was just showing me that the force of the Latihan was greater than anything else, but, at the time, I was such a 'doubting Thomas' about everything that I didn't 'get it'. I didn't understand my opening until years after I was opened; I didn't understand anything at the time.

I spent the next four years going to Latihan to find out what the angle was! (laughter) I knew there had to be a trick to it; somebody sitting in a corner hypnotising people or some monkey business. I was determined to find it out.

This was despite the fact that I had all these incredible experiences. I got a Subud name. Before I was in Subud one year, I was doodling a picture of a Madonna and realised that I had been doodling the same image for years. She was a prayerful soulful martyr; and I suddenly knew that was my image of myself. I felt that this was a terrible way to think of myself and I told my therapist. He gave me no help. I was left feeling heavy and awful.

I asked Alan if I could go to Latihan that Friday, even though we had to work at the theatre that night. If I timed it just right, I could make it for the second scene, if I did a 25-minute Latihan and left immediately.

When I got to the Latihan room they said, "Ask God for a 25 minute Latihan."

I got very angry. I felt, 'Who are they to tell me about God? I don't know anything about God and they sure don't know anything about God.' But I angrily said the words to myself before the Latihan began, "Okay God. I want a 25-minute Latihan. There. That's that."

Then someone said, "Begin." I heard people singing. I was standing there feeling befuddled, confused; nothing was happening within me. So I decided. 'I like to sing. I'll just harmonise with them; that'll make me feel better.' So I did. Then inside I said, "Rubbish! we're not supposed to move one bit unless it really happens and it hasn't!"

Suddenly I was thrown to the floor. Then I was divided into two people. One was the person that I showed to the world, which was this martyred person lying on the floor. The other person that I didn't show the world, was the part of me that was beating her up. A third part was over there, outside observing and was very cool, calm and collected, as if watching a movie and without caring a bean about any of it. This witchy character was beating and going, 'Ha, ha, ha! I've got you and I'll never let you go.' I was lying on the floor wailing that the world was being awful to me. I saw that it was me being awful to me. There wasn't anybody else being awful to me. It wasn't anybody else's fault. It was me hurting me!

What about the third one?

The third one was saying, "That's the truth. Now do you see?" Then a hand started to come through the building and I mean a hand as big as this house, coming through all the floors. We were on the 4th floor of a 7-storey building. I knew this big hand was going to take this condition from me. I panicked about losing something that I knew was bad for me. At least it was familiar. I wanted to continue beating myself up I didn't want this taken away.

But the hand ignored my resistance and ripped the condition out - it was like a big strip of adhesive tape around my body! It stung for a moment. Then it was gone.

I came up off the floor like a helium balloon. A little voice inside (it was the first time I'd ever heard that little voice) said, "Thank God." I reacted that I didn't know how to thank God. The voice said, "Sing." I went, 'I don't know how to sing'. The voice said, "Open your mouth and sing." I went 'la la' - like that. Then the voice said, "Finish," and it was five to nine. All the other people were still doing Latihan.

I left and ran to the theatre. Everyone said, "What happened to you? What happened to you? You look incredible. What happened?"

I couldn't say to anyone what happened to me. Then I gave an incredible performance, such as I'll never be able to do again in my life. I was at one with everyone - all the people in the audience and the actors. One with every situation. This state of being lasted for three days. In that three days - I knew that I was not ready to live like this, because you needed to be very responsible, and I wasn't able to be responsible. To be one with people you needed to be able to use strong responsibility in the right way. This was like a little taste. If I kept doing the Latihan, it might be - no guarantees - one day my life might be like that. I was shown that.

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further extracts

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But you must have gained a lot during that ten years in Cilandak? Your spiritual life must have grown and grown?

I think so and in many ways. I realise I really have a book of experiences in me. My experience of Subud is so personal. I should write them. I came home in 1982. My son was in college so I didn't have to make a home for him. I had nice apartments in Los Angeles. But I couldn't get back into show business and acting. I'd get small parts. Everyone seemed very unforgiving about my leaving. At that time, my career had been in ascendance and my acting name was Jessica. Now I was Latifah which was difficult for people to take on. But I found my old name Jessica uncomfortable. I couldn't get my bearings as life sped so fast. It was all so material and I missed Cilandak terribly. It took me a long time to adjust.

Then I got a fantastic job as an artistic director of the Pasadena Playhouse. I did a play and everything went wrong! All this showed me that it was the end of that life. Yet that was my training and all I knew how to do.

Luqman offered me a job working in Australia. It seemed positive so I went to Australia doing SICA (Subud International Cultural Association) work. That was very helpful. I stayed until the World Congress in Australia but as things got tough and I couldn't live on nothing, I returned to the States to start again.

It was in Australia that I encountered Harun. He had come for the World Congress. I suddenly realised something was there but having talked to Rochana (his late wife) about him, I knew I had to talk to him and let him know I was interested or else he wouldn't make a move. Rochana and I were best friends, so she had told me about his nature.

We'd go out and I couldn't say anything to him. I thought 'I have to say something pretty soon or it's all gone.' Finally, I told him that if he wanted to explore the possibility of a relationship, I was open to considering it. He said, "I'll test about it."

I thought that was the Subud way of saying, "Don't call me - I'll call you." I thought I'd completely ruined a friendship and it was over. He left, and we did not get in touch. On my return to the U.S. I stayed with my mother. Then there was an earthquake and it was announced that the worst affected area was in Marin district where Harun worked.

I thought I would phone to find out how he was. So I called and he said, "Where have you been?" He had tested and got that a relationship between us was a good idea. He said he had tried to call me but that I had not left a forwarding address in Australia. I figured all my friends knew where I was going! It had been over a year since Harun and I had communicated.

Then he called the next night. I knew something was up because Harun doesn't pick up the phone to say 'how are you?' So we began to have phone calls back and forth. Finally as I was seriously considering moving to Marin, I asked my son what he thought about my going to move in with someone he didn't know whom I might end up with in a marriage or relationship. My son said, "Mom go for it".

Then Harun took me to Cilandak for Bapak's 1000th Day Selamatan (*). Ibu Rahayu said, "It's fine that you're together but you should get married as quickly as possible." After that I was nagging him since his idea of Ibu Rahayu's 'quickly as possible' might mean five years. He tested and came back shaking his head, "I don't understand I keep getting that it's good." (laughter) So we got married.

* GLOSSARY

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