1. Harun talks to Patricia in San Francisco

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My rejection of society began at an early age. I think it goes back to the truth that my mother and father did not want to have a child. When my mother discovered she was pregnant, she was very disappointed. She had borne 12 children already and the last thing she wanted was another child.

Were your family Catholics?

Yes. Anyway, I felt this rejection, this feeling of not belonging anywhere. School wasn't satisfying, so I blocked education out. My education came from the streets.

Laura, the girl I was dating, got a card from somebody at George Field's Bookstore, a metaphysical bookstore, in San Francisco. When anything new came out concerning the Gurdjieff or Ouspensky work, he'd send out cards to those on his mailing list.

It seems that a man by the name of John Bennett was arriving in the area and was going to give a talk on a new movement called 'Subud'. This was to take place at the Buddhist Temple on Bush Street.

So Laura, my girl friend, asked me to go along with her. When we arrived, there were 500 or 600 people in the Hall. Bennett walked out onto a stage with a bulletin board that was wheeled out behind him. He sat in a chair with his head down for several minutes. I thought he had died. I turned to Laura and said, "This guy has died and no-one seems to be concerned".

I didn't realise at the time that he was 'getting quiet' and I was becoming really concerned. Then he lifted his head up and started to speak. The quiet time had been a preparation..

When he talked, he gave an explanation of the seven circles of the Subud symbol and my whole inner opened up. I knew, at that moment, that I had been looking for this since the day I came out of the womb.. Everything he spoke about seemed to be all that I had had in all my feelings and in my whole life. From that time on, my commitment was total. It never wavered. It was just total.

Did your girlfriend come into Subud too?

Yes, she did. Bennett explained that anyone interested in coming into Subud should wait for Pak Subuh who would be arriving the next day. He would 'open' us. Bennett explained what 'openings' were; if we were interested we should show up at a building on Powell Street and go to the elevated shops on the 3rd floor.

Did Bennett explain that Gurdjieff had predicted that some-one from the East would come?

Yes, he explained this to us. It was one of the first things Bennett mentioned. A man from the East would come and show us the way as Gurdjieff had not been able to do. The following day, we were herded into a room where Pak Subuh was waiting for us. He told us to relax and not think about anything. Then he told us to remove all jewellery and shoes and said 'Begin'!

All I heard was this man Pak Subuh just saying "Allah Allah", and repeating it everywhere he moved in the room. Then I could feel him in front of me where he stood for what seemed a long time repeating "Allah, Allah". I then thought "Wow, I must be special that he stays so long in front of me."

Before I went there I had smoked marijuana - nobody had ever said that one shouldn't. I didn't know that smoking marijuana would interfere with the opening. Later I realised that Bapak had to spend so much time with me because he couldn't get through to me. My mind was going about a mile a minute because marijuana stimulates the imagination. A stimulated imagination blocks receiving the Latihan.

Maybe, of course, Pak Subuh knew you would be a good Subud person. After all, you have now been in Subud thirty eight years.

I don't know. My feeling was that my mind was going so fast from all these imaginary things caused by the drugs. I hope that you're right, but I have a feeling it was just that my imagination was stimulated.

The next time I met Pak Subuh, whom we later knew as Bapak, I was sitting in the foyer in Hope Street, in California, with a group of other Gurdjieff people. Bapak came up the stairs. John Bennett wasn't with him and nobody seemed to acknowledge or pay any attention to him.

My first reaction was, "My God, should I get up and give him my seat, he could be tired." Then I thought "If he is so spiritually developed, he probably never gets tired." These were the kind of mental thoughts I was having. Then I felt something drawing me to look up at Bapak. I found he was looking at me and he was smiling. I knew, at that moment, he unzipped me, took a look at me and zipped me up again. I knew then that he knew me from the moment I came out of the womb. It took my breath away.

What an experience!

It kind of took my breath away!

You must have then felt very close to him

Every encounter I had with Bapak from that time on was awesome. They were very, very unusual situations. When I looked at Bapak, I seemed to be looking at a farmer who having planted seeds would periodically go and look at his crop. Invariably when I was in his presence, I felt that he was checking me out. I could be across the room and, sometimes, it would feel as if my inner pushed out against the walls of my body. Then I would look and sure enough, he was zeroed in on me! That was how it was for me .

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further extracts

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What would you say was one of the most important things for you during this time, other than, of course, finding God?

There were one or two things I could say were major changes. I'd been in Subud about 18 years. My wife at this time had never had three healthy days in a row. She would get very bad migraine, get very very ill and perspire enough to soak up all mattress. I never saw anyone in such pain.

She was in Subud too and got somewhat better for some time. She had rheumatoid arthritis although she had better health when she lived in Arizona. But she stayed with me because she fell in love with me . In my own growth, I realised what kind of a lady I was with. She was a lot of lady!

As I grew through the Latihan, I began to realise her truly lovely qualities. One of the things I got to learn, and this was a big lesson for me in my growth, was that I loved her so much, I couldn't bear to see her suffer. I'd do anything to help to relieve the pain and I would get the doctor to give her morphine. There were nights in trying to help with the aid of my Latihan and I realised it just wasn't working. I'd sit quietly to try and help her.

Then I discovered something interesting. If I got into bed alongside her and fell sleep, I could relieve her of her suffering. So

this taught me that when I was really able to be quiet both outwardly and inwardly, that is what helped her and, I could only really do this when I was asleep, when the mind and head stopped and was at peace. When I woke up the pain would have gone!

Yes Bapak explained, in the early days of Subud, that when one was asleep one could be in Latihan and receive as our hearts and minds were really quiet then.

Yes I could really surrender at this time and this was a big lesson. It was through these lessons I began to change and learn about the Latihan. This was the key for me.

There were many times after this when I would wake up and find my wife was feeling better. I could feel a sort of residue. Her migraines began to ease up after that. We now had been in Subud a few years and she was in pretty good shape. These conditions ran in her family.

So she was carrying the load of her family then?

Yes I suppose so. Later she got cancer which we discovered through a medical she had after a car accident with a drunken driver. Because of the shock and internal bleeding, she was given a thorough examination which showed she had a tumour in the uterus the size of an orange. It was an inoperable tumour.

She had a series of radium treatments. She could be in a room full of people and be smiling and concerned for their comfort. She could hide her pain. Many came to see her; she was a much-loved woman.

Just prior to her death though, the pain was so bad I had to carry her to the bathroom. The night before she died, her mother was alongside of her. She said, "Mom, I'm having a strange experience. I feel like I'm trying to crawl back into your womb".

When she said that, I remembered Bapak's words. She was actually experiencing that. She died the next morning.

Were you given a lot of help at this time through the Latihan?

My wife was like the sunshine. She was my best friend. She was everything in life to me. I didn't care to live when I lost her. If we were the only two people on earth we could have still been happy. It was truly a soul to soul relationship.

We met when I was running a clothing store for movie stars and musicians. One day, a gorgeous girl came into the shop.

I said to my boss "Wow! Look at that gorgeous creature. She's the most gorgeous person I have ever seen." She had light blue eyes, dark beautiful hair, high cheek bones with measurements 36-22-36.

I said to my boss again "She's the most gorgeous creature I have ever seen. I could marry her in a minute". I was thirty two years old. She was probably 28. She was married to the man she came into the shop with and I was living with someone at the time.

It's interesting. In my life, every wish I ever had of that nature came to pass. I got everything I ever wanted. But only when I gave it up. In fact I didn't pursue her, but down the line I ended up married to her!

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